Thursday, August 27, 2009

puasalah.puasa itu mendidik jiwa.dan mengancam anak tekak.

bile puasa, semua jadi sedap. tak larat tak larat pun, bazar 5 km habis jalan- cendol, sirap,ayam golek-semua sapu. bile malam, teraweh memanggel-manggel, rasa macam berat saja mate nak tengok jalan. jalan kebenaran.

diatas tu semua bukan aku. aku g teraweh. sungguhpun ada dalam 2 3 malam yang terlepas, aku g teraweh. walaupun penat aku, tuhan saja yang tahu.hallah~macam orang lain tak penat.betul. semua orang lain pun penat. tapi diorang sume tak balik ngan ayah aku. derang tak naek honda crv bhm tu. diorang tak tahu cane aku tak sabar nak angkat kete sendirik, carik keje lain.

tapi bulan ramadan ni, bulan menahan diri. bulan mengawal nafsu. jadi aku pun menerima keadaan semua diatas dengan redha dengan fikiran 'things could be worst but it didnt'. mungkin klo tade crv bapaku itu aku nek bas g keje, tapi tidak. mungkin klo aku tak keje kat sini, aku sedang berenak-enakan di rumah tapi tidak (sungguhpun gaji tidak masok lagi, aku redha juge). jadi, ramadan kali ni kasi aku besyukur lebeh lagi. ramadan yang kutunggu.

tapi jujur aku cakap, satu hal ni aku tak boleh terime jugak. satu-satunya hal yang aku tak bley terime.

kejadian ni berlaku dalam jangka masa kemarin, dalam peak hour bebuke pwase. puase kali ni aku teringin sokmo nak makan tau fu fa.soya rebus dalam air gula tu. nak sangat. jadi aku minta mak beli tau fu fa kat bazaar pekan. mak pun beli. mak memang best. bile balik keje tengok ada atas meja bebuka, jiwa ni rase keriangan, kesungguhan untuk bebuke tu jadi membuak2.

azan pun bunyi.

aku pun buke.tau fu fa oh tau fu fa.tapi jiwa keriangan aku tadi mati.terus.aku jadi murka.

apsal tau fu fa mak cik ni tak manis??!!

terus aku angkat air semayang, solat maghrib. dalam doa aku selitkan agar mak cik tau fu fa tadi dikurniakan gula yang melimpah ruah.

amin.

Monday, August 24, 2009

oh how time goes

All year round,theres a couple of month that id be looking forward to; August and Ramadan.

August is practically my birth month thus the celebration. Why i anticipated august too is that, itll be colorful.Always.kot.aAt least in Malaysia for the last few years back.Why? Merdeka month people, Malaysia Independence day.Theyll have all this benderas and decoration all over places; on the car, across the boot, rooftop anywhere.But i noticed this time around the celebration aint that meriah.Not like years before where youd see car flagging everywhere.Id say its a rare sight now.Most of the cars going round town now seem blank and car-ry (or have i been in the wrong part of town i dont know).Like the usual month we spend every year.I gave it some thought and ive come to some conclusion that either maybe because the price of flags are expensive these days or they find it too troublesome too stick up a flag on their luxurious car.Or maybe people already got too many things on their hands now, h1n1,economic turmoil,stuff, that they cant be bothered by anything anymore.sad thing.

And how ramadans here again.Finally.Personally,im not too excited of having raya.Not quite the type to go for tat nenas, semprit, almond london and what not.Its just that,i dont know, maybe since its a blessful month,itd get very blissed.Pure tranquility.Theres just so much,how should i say,the value of a human, being expressed.The other side that you thought you wouldnt have.I dont know.It just seem so to me.Other than that,oh the bazaar.God youd never guessed how much we Malaysian are so diversed in food-nation.Its like the whole highway Karak mesmerised in tau fu fa, ayam golek, lemang, rendang, tepung pelita- you name them all.EVERYTHING.Peh.Im so thankful born Malaysian yo.
So much for 1 Malaysia.

How fast time travels.Another year gone to be.And i still hate growing up.

Friday, August 21, 2009

xenophobia

xen·o·phobic
n. fear or contemptuous of that which is foreign, especially of strangers or foreign peoples.

xen·o·phobe
n. A person unduly fearful or contemptuous of that which is foreign, especially of strangers or foreign peoples.

Think i develop this over time.Fear of people and all living organism.to think back i really did.i mean i cant even hold a fish back in labs then. and i learn to be a marine BIOLOGIST.whats a marine biologist without their fishes? think i really did. oh. now i remember. its all becoming clear now (scripting). thats why i ventured to mba. cant handle the fear.

p/s:funny to think ive been killed by a fish.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Lesson 1

Lesson 1 (Map of the Human Soul)

Do we learn math to add the dead's sum?
Subtract the weak ones, count cash for great ones?
We multiply but divide the nation.
Break down like fractions, send our sons away to die
Do we learn science in defiance of faith?
To make alliance with fakes for an appliance's sake?
We ask for the real to make artificial intelligence
To make smarter [?] above the presidents.
(Why) do we learn history to fix stories for the guilty?
Make angels look filthy and the devils look milky?
If the victory writes the books, then what have we won?
Are we battleships for authorship, a rich man's guns?
Do we learn to read to receive the lies to deceive the eyes
from seeing between the lines.
We use words to bring forth sticks and stones to sing psalms of hate
that fill the streets with bones.
Unseen or heard, a king with words (Tablo)
Lyrical assassin Make me vision the better livin' (I'm the truth)
Is our day job more than self-slavery?
When we're locked watching the clock impatiently
we sweat for the dollar bills, the checks and the credit cards
but the dollar kills, breaks the necks of our inner hearts
if the police are role models for the righteous
why does justice depend on guns and nightsticks?
Mr. officer don't punish me, with brutality
These streets got me singing Marvin Gaye off-key
Why do we need church to get to heaven's gates?
Can holy water quench the thirst of those whose fates
Started in the wrong place with the wrong face?
Can the poor and the hungry survive solely on grace?
Can this rap game ever bring changes?
When MCs would rather floss a cross than be saviors?
Will I last in this game, be blasted with shame
Will I stand for my name and never blaspheme for fame?

Mine Alone

Some one ask me.why arent people following my blog.

Let me clarify again.i created this in the first not for anybodys pleasure.just mine and mine alone to let out and give in whatevers holding me down; thoughts for my own soul. But if it does, in case it does, cross your mind and made you think, ill be glad be made the trigger. Just dont judge me for what my innocent, immature thoughts has to think.

But to think of it, most likely my infamous stand made it way to my secluded existence. haha. Another victim of community racism.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Grow up, Grow old.

There's a saying, the older you get,the wiser you become.do you?

Say you gets older,do you throw away those habits you had when you were younger? Do you stop stop doing things you do when youre a year older? No. Hell no.not for me. id still wake up on the weekends tuning on to chucky and angelica and monster from the backyard, crave over vanilla filling panda heads and chocolate sticks.I dont change.I cant change. Should i?

When i was growing up, i told my peeps, id like to be an artist, bring art and mountains to life. Then i grew up. At 12, i wanted to be a writer, to write and tell stories, to make a statement of how things are and could be. 15, i realised literature in this state cant get me fancy house and big cars, so i go with cells and blood. Grown up again, i thought id stick to the language literacy and hope the best i could get some luck out of it. But truely, life is something you plan, He made it destined. 2004 I flunked SPM, missed my interviews and they gave me MARINE BIOLOGY after matriculation. Never in my life, did it cross my mind to dive 22m ocean deep and getting all the planktons swimming side by side. I grew up clueless. I changed unnoticed.

Life has that affect on you. They change you out, in, up, down whichever way they could. They grow you. They feed you fake and fantasy, truth and lies. They gave you reality in the end. They show you BMW and let you drive SAGA, tell you the world is round when you can even get lost in Bangi. Yeap. Get one and you get more than needed. Complimentary. Took me 22 years to discover that. and damn right theres more.

So at 22, I learned that you can plan life but dont get too confident getting it your way, take the turn when you feel a hunch gripping the edge of your lungs and always listen to your mom. Shes a pain sometimes but she shade your sun, shelter your rain and heal your sorrows. Changed by nature. But even if i have to change, ill be better. Ill change. Ill be better.


Happy 22nd Birthday Marni.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Wordkill

True.I hated them having privatised and corporates everything but I just cant get enough of them.My baseless hatred.

Wordkill - Epik High

숨이 막혔으면 해?
Do you want me to stop breathing?
눈이 감겼으면 해?
Do you want my eyes to close?
너로 가득했던 가슴에
큰 못이 박혔으면 해?
Do you want for a large nail to penetrate
The heart that used to be filled with you?
어둠 속에 갇혔으면 해?
Do you want me to be locked in the dark?
맘의 문이 닫혔으면 해?
Do you want the door to my heart to close?
따뜻하게 입맞추던
Do you want me to swallow the blood
Of the mouth that used to kiss me warmly?

모든 걸 망쳤으면 해?
Do you want me to mess up on everything?
모든 길이 갈렸으면 해?
Do you want all my paths to be forked?
너란 유리조각 파편에
두발을 담궜으면 해?
Do you want my two feet to be dipped in
The pieces of glass called you?
그토록 다쳤으면 해?
Do you want me to be hurt so much?
죽도록 아팠으면 해?
Do you want me to hurt till I died?
그저 이 사랑이란 가면에
상처를 감췄으면 해?
Do you want me to hide these scars
Under this mask called love?

너의 그 말 말 말
Those words, words, words of yours
그 잔인한 말
Those cruel words
가슴 아픈 말
Those heart-stabbing words
칼날 같은 말
Those blade-like words

너의 그 말 말 말
Those words, words, words of yours
그 잔인한 말
Those cruel words
날 울리는 말
Those words that make me cry
날 죽이는 말
Those words that kill me

Baby just shut up
Just shut up
Just shut up
Just shut up
Baby just shut up
Just shut up
Just shut up
Shh...

손이 묶였으면 해?
Do you want my hands to be tied up?
땅에 발이 묻혔으면 해?
Do you want my feet to be buried in the ground?
너로 울리키던 가슴에
분노가 뭉쳤으면 해?
Do you want the rage to ball up
Inside the heart that used to cry for you?
그림자를 숨겼으면 해?
Do you want me to hide my shadow?
죽은듯이 숨쉬었으면 해?
Do you want me to breathe as if I were dead?
서로 영원하자 믿던 하늘에
이별을 훔쳤으면 해?
Do you want me to steal the good-byes
From the skies we swore to for eternity?

무너지는 꿈꿨으면 해?
Do you want me to dream a broken dream?
고통 안에 춤췄으면 해?
Do you want me to dance within this pain?
너로 빛이 나던 나의 작품에
큰 불을 붙였으면 해?
Do you want to set fire
Onto the piece that used to shine with you?
모든게 뒤틀렸으면 해?
Do you want everything to be twisted?
끝으로 이끌렸으면 해?
Do you want me to be led to the end?
우리 운명이란 가는 사슬에
고리가 끊겼으면 해?
Do you want the link of the thin chain
Of our destiny to be broken?

너의 그 말 말 말
Those words, words, words of yours
그 잔인한 말
Those cruel words
가슴 아픈 말
Those heart-stabbing words
칼날 같은 말
Those blade-like words

너의 그 말 말 말
Those words, words, words of yours
그 잔인한 말
Those cruel words
날 울리는 말
Those words that make me cry
날 죽이는 말
Those words that kill me


Baby just shut up
Just shut up
Just shut up
Just shut up

Baby just shut up
Just shut up
Just shut up

Shh..

Should you to listen, do google it.Its good as its read.Im gonna stick with them for the moment yeh efi,aqis..afterall,whose gonna live up the old school if it aint the HIGHSKOOL yo.Live em up.

How do you live?

Its been a while.

Time come and go.How are things now?Progressed I bet.When I started this,I was still in college.Not much different now.Im still learning but in a different institution.Im learning to earn real money,a job,the bittersweet of life.Though I yet havent get to feel the joy and love of it but knowing that i might be able to pay off ptptn,the heave on my shoulder lightens a bit.I think.

I got the job by luck.True people.Luck.I got it by luck.See,some people could accept how on earth I was able to get a job.So there it is.Luck.Having the condition now, economic downfall and all,you should be grateful having a job.People get kick out and fired for no reason,irrevantly.But i hate mine.A part of me is telling me im not being grateful,a part of me is yelling at me for having to wake up at early dawn.So wrong yet so true.I hate it.I dont know why im presevering myself with this.The money?maybe.To bite off those saying im incapable of getting one?Definitely.But I hate the part I hate what Im doing.Really.But to think of it,everything is on me.Im the one to decide.To love and hate,to kill and create.Its on me and mine alone.

So.Just something to bear in this empty and hateful mind of mine.Great things dont start easy,great people dont just born great.They walk to greatness.They decide to be great.I should too.