Lesson 7 - Guilt

Guilt grows, never disappear.

Somewhat a week after Eid Mubarak, my sister wanted to send a greeting card to my ucu in the UK. So she bought a nice card when we went shopping at Tesco. Because she had to go back to school (she stays at a hostel in a government boarding school), she asked if i could help to send it. I said OK. So she wrote what she wanted to say, get my whole sibling to write and sign it and gave it to me.

However.

Somehow i got caught up with assignments and a couple of other things, i forgot all about her eid card. My mom wasn't really cooperating either. She told me to get the address from one of my aunt moving boxes. Because it sounded like a lot of effort, i postpone the mailing. 

So happened we had a house clean day last Sunday and i found somewhat a foreign card with a foreign address on it and went YABAI!!  I TOTALLY FORGOT like i was abducted by a decepticon, had my brain messed and brought back to earth. Whats worst is that I told her i already had it SENT!!! Double YABAIII!!! Its been two months since and with that aunt actually coming here, i don't see the point of sending anymore. So as not to be discovered, i thought of putting it away but it felt like a pity with such a nice card and excited messages. Instead of throwing it out, i thought shredding it would make me feel less guilty. So i did. But as the card being slowly pulled and shredded on the other end, my guilt multiple as much as the card shredded. I push it as deep as i could into the bin and when convinced i did, i went home.

I couldn't sleep the whole night.

What if my sister ask my aunt and find out? what would she say to me? should i convince her it was the postman's fault? Scribbled handwriting? I had thousands of these thoughts before i could actually sleep at 4am. I still am thinking of what kind of excuses to give her when she finds out. Cowardice, i know but i had to live.though out of guilt. Gomenne Alia.I'll post it the next time you ask me to. Honto gomen.

Rezeki

Kata orang rezeki itu kerja tuhan. Aku iyakan.

Jumaat lepas, aku  patah hati lagi. Patah hati dan kecewa. Patah hati aku faham tapi kenapa kecewa aku tak pasti. Mungkin jeles sebab dia ber-uwang dan aku tidak. Ditambah dengan status Yang Berhormat aku sekarang. Mungkin sebab itu. TAPI terima kasih kepada En.Muflikun drama aku tak lama, petik jari aku kembali ke realiti. 

"Bia la beliau kaya. Rezeki dia". 

Aku macam ada rasa ayat seterus beliau "kau pun bole kaya apa.usahakanjela." kerana tidak mahu dilabel malas maka aku pun terus "memang terbaikla Muflikuunnnnnn!!". Plastik bukan?

Dalam minggu lepas jua, aku mendapat tahu James Lee sudah 2 minggu meninggal dunia selepas 3 bulan menjadi Muhammad Hasif Lee. James Lee yang aku kenal 3 tahun lepas, yang aku doa-doakan jadi kepunyaan aku mutlak, dah tak ada..terdiamkan?

Kata orang, rezeki itu ibarat air. Ia turun dari tempat yang tinggi, mengalir ke tanah yang rendah dan luas.  Hidup subur tanah menjadi kaya. Rezeki tuhan, turunnya pada orang yang rendah hatinya, luas fikirannya. Kerana sifat begitu, dia jadi disenangi dan diperlukan. Rezeki melata bukan? Logik.

Dengan iman dan ilmu yang ada di dada, aku berani kata rezeki itu pemberian tuhan, diberi berbeza-beza sebagai ujian, sebagai balasan. Bukanke seharusnya aku mencuba untuk menjadi lebih baik dan berharap mendapat kaya seperti dia satu hari nanti? Bersyukur terlahir Islam dan berusaha untuk menjadi lebih Islam? Mencari rezeki? 

 

Allah memewahkan rezeki bagi sesiapa yang dikehendakiNya di antara hamba-hambaNya dan menyempitkan (rezeki itu) baginya sesungguhnya Allah Maha Mengetahui akan tiap-tiap sesuatu

Some people are born with it. In Hasif's case, search years to find it. Last week struck me hard. There are some things in this world that you can't change, can't have, won't have without god permission. Things you didn't decide or plan to be at your own will is a given. The next time things didn't go my way, i'd like to think of it this way; its not that god hate me, or too busy to be answering my prayers, Hes prolly just got other plans for me.though i would really appreciate it if He could let me know sooner. Long story made short, USAHA!

Test.Hello.

It's been a year since i last wrote. For 20 minutes i blinked and stared at this dell screen, wondering how to start. I wanted to be dramatic and descriptive but the words won't come out.

Now an hour passed and i'm still blinking. Maybe i'll come back in another hour and start writing then..